Written April 15th, 2009

So there's someone in my room now. Shes nice, she gave me mentos, she just has the worst language barrier with me that I've had to deal with on this trip. Today I woke up and went to the supermarket for a cheap breakfast(I love eating breakfast on the side of streets, just people watching). Then I ended up shopping a little while exploring the city. I thought I was being good with money since I only looked at things under 20 euros and alot of the stuff I was about to buy I told myself I would come back. My card ended up getting declined just about the time I started getting super lonely. I walked outside and it started storming like crazy and I was just wearing a tank top-brrr! I was super far from the hostel and decided to take a tram and got lost for a bit. I was so down and miserable. I realized just how much money I've been spending on food since staying with my relatives-what a crazy withdrawl! I walked back to my hostel eventually and cunted my change and figured out my money situation. Maybe I'll get usedto eating less. Im so grumpy about my computer. I need to spark my photography motivation NOW!

Written April 14th, 2009

I miss music alot. It was like the one break from me constantly talking to myself in my head. I know it sounds dumb but when you're really really alone it happens. Im in Antwerp Belgium now. They had cheaper hostels than Brussels. It's nice here. Im the only one in this 4 person room, I love it! It scares me at night being alone here. I already got hit on twice walking back to the hostel. I got quite lost today and ended up way off the map. I had the best vanilla ice cream in the world! I also went shopping a bit, I didn't bring much summer-y clothes. I miss Chels but I know she misses Iceland like I'm missing London right now. There was a train to London at the station today and I almost gave into temptation. Then I would be with my frineds in a city that makes me feel on top of the world right now! I think I'm getting better at motivating myself which is definitely good. I dont know about waking up tomorrow though, im exhausted!

Written April 13th 2009

My computer is still broken. It's funny that everything is closed here because it's monday. This morning we saw this kid at the metro station that we saw yesterday so we decided to take him out to brunch with us. The language barrier was rediculous. It took us the whole meal just to figure out his name and age. He kept winking at himself in the mirror across the room. Then we went and bought some groceries to cook out friends. We ended up falling asleep for quite a while, I didnt realize I was so tired! We woke up at 10 to cook some dinner but nobody else had any. I booked a hostel in Belgium though. During my nap I had a dream that my parents came to visit me and surprised me. At first I was excited but then they started taking control of everything and said that they were staying with me for 6 days, which is really alot. It really made me think about going home. My parents wanted me to cut some time off my trip, prefferably 3 weeks, but we comprimised with 2 weeks. Just this change in plans has me thinking about how different things are going to be and what I am and am not looking forward to. . I am looking forward to seeing my family and telling them stories. I am definitely looking forward to seeing Tyler. I am looking forward to Taco Bell and all the small things I miss about home. Im looking forward to graduation and the beginning of a new stage of my life. Im looking forward to the summer and all the good times I will have. Im looking forward to making my own money-hopefully doing something I love. I hope that when I go home things are different with my parents. I hope they realize the full extent of the situations this trip has brought up and respect how far I've come and what I've accomplished on my own. I hope my freedom does not fade or disapear. I couldn't handle that. I'm in love with the way I feel on this trip. I realize that I will be under their roof again but I should still be able to respect them while doing what I want. Life is about balance. oh man, I can't wait for London!

Written April 9th(Catching up)

I have some catching up to do. my last night was really nice and Hans even made some homemade pizza for us. i woke up pretty early though to get ready for lenny(April 11th 2009) I was so excited the night before that I could barely sleep. When he picked me up his parents came with him-they were so sweet! His dad looked just like him=) it really made me think about how much i look like my mom and how my relatives kept calling me Rita. It's just really interesting to think about the similarities and differences. There wasnt much talking in the car and most of it was German. It was weird to be in lenny's world when I was so used to him geing in mine. Car silence can be aweful and incredibly uncomfortable but I definitely think theres something to be said about when nothing needs to be said and theres a really comfortable relaxed silence. That sort of silence can be quiet rare. I had my first meal from a german McDonalds that day. They made such a big deal out of it, it was cute. As soon as we got to Lenny's amazingly adorable flat we had to go pick up christine-which ended up being so complicated and we wandered around the airport for an hour until we found her. I was so happy at first to have a girl friend to talk to. We had a cute little dinner at his house before we got ready to go over to his friends house before his schools dance. In the end i fell down some stairs and got the worst bruises of my life. the next day we woke up and went into the city. We saw some shops, got smoothies, and walked around the parks. Chelsea flew in that night and I couldnt wait! We picked her up from the airport and went to lenny's house to eat a lovely German dinner and plan our Amsterdam trip. Chels and i got a giant pizza and curled up in our hotel room to watch some German TV while dying my hair. in the morning we grabbed a few things from the grocery store and had breakfast in the park. We tried to find town and got really super lost but figured it out in the end. Once we all met up we found this nice spot by a creek and relaxed and talked for awhile until we had to go back to lenny's for a BBQ. That night the 3 of us girls met some boys and TRIED to talk for alittle bit. We got pizza again and fell asleep real fast which was good because our train left for Amsterdam at 6:20ish in the morning. We brought so many grocerys with us and ended up eating most of them on the train. Lenny was a bit out of it and was acting so silly. Once we got to Amsterdam it was so cold and rainy and gross and we had so much trouble finding our campsite. The guy at reception talked about wine and he was so funny. then we hung out and relaxed in our cabin and i ate about half a gallon of delicious "American" peanut butter. We got some coffee and decided to ride a giant ferris wheel and just at the perfect time too! The sun was just about to set and everything was golden and we could see the whole skyline! It was pure inspiration=) Then we played with the birds in the park. I just wanted to hold one! All the asians got birds, why couldnt I?! We bought a bunch of grocerys because I was really set on making mashed potatoes. So thats what I did. We had some fruit with our potatoes as well. They were super good. Then we went back to the room and hung out. Chelsea and I had a really great conversation about socks and hooks.
The next morning we woke up around 11. Lenny and Chels bought shower tokens for us. We all showered and Chelsea, Lenny, and I made brunch. We made fried eggs, this meat that kind of looked like bacon, and toast. When we cracked open the first egg there was a double yolk-CRAZY. The third egg had a feather on the outside of it! Then we went into town and throughout the day I got waffles, fries, and everything else that I wanted. We went into some shops and I got the patches that I wanted and then we actually found a piercer. Chels got her nose pierced first and then I got my snug done, and the lady kept dropping the ball in my ear-I was so grumpy! We went and played with the birds again. Lenny and I ended up going to 2 different McDonalds and we waited at the bus stop FOREVER. I was cold and fell asleep but finally the bus came and it was 2:30 in the morning but the bus was so full they got a special one to go straight to our campsite. We all were so increibly tired we fell asleep so fast. (In the beginning of this trip my journal was all I had, it was my best friend and the only one I could "talk" to. Especially since it was way better than talking to myself in my head. Thats definitely why I wrote so much. Now I think I'm a bit more independant and I'm with people I know. Maybe when I feel a bit more alone..) We woke up in the morning to a lady coming in our completely trashed room saying we had 5 minutes to get out. Somehow we managed. I have never changed/cleaned so fast. We went to the bathroom and got a bit more cleaned up. Lenny decided we should get rolls from reception for breakfast. So we got some and had them on a picnic bench and relaxed until we had to catch our train. When we got to Hannover Lenny's sister picked us up. We showered and she made us dinner. Lenny had some friends over and the night was kinda crazy/funny/interesting. The next morning we slept in and Chelsea and I got ready to catch our trains. We had to change trains 3 times and our second to last train required a reservation so we had to pay 22 euros and the guy next to us hacked up a lung every 5 seconds. We were both really hungry so I bought us a super expensive ham and cheese sandwhich on the train to share. . We ended up arriving pretty late but we got there just fine. We stayed up until about 2 and then fell asleep. It was super cool to hear the church bells ringing this morning! I realized my nose stud came out and that was kinda scary but I fixed it=) We set out for the market and decided not to buy new metro tickets becuase we didnt have any change and we still had some from the night before. Figures we get caught and have to pay 28 Euros each! And this guy dragged us around forever looking for an ATM. We bought a chicken and sat on the side of the street. We got a bunch of weird looks and Chelsea screamed when a bird flew at her. Alot of women asked us for chicken and a guy asked us where we got our colas. His name was Timo and he decided to sit down next to us and eat with us. We ended up getting some drinks and talking in the park. He didnt like the light. It was silly. Then we went to a bar called Le Relax where there was a sweet raggae concert. Chelsea had to pee so bad though and the bathroom was rediculous but Timo just wanted us to dance. Finally we lied and got out of there but got super lost. Then we went to get pizza from a pizza vending machine but it wouldnt take our debit cards. We fell asleep watching a movie about the Doors=)

Written April 4th 2009

Today we went to see two castles next to each otehr. They were both really pretty. I honestly dont think I could live in a castle though. They are so emotionless and excessive. I dont even go into every room of my house on a daily basis as it is! they seem to be designed for you to never really have to go outside-which is crazy! Our tour guide was so funny. He had a voice that made me think he should be the jester. I tried a bavarian hamburger and it was really good! hans is making a pizza now, im so excited!He said that only old people here drive automatic cars. We sat around the fire last night and talked about Harold and Maude and Cat Stevens. It's kinda yucky out today for pictures. So many people had such fancy cameras today. I think that also discourages me a bit, the fact that so many people have the cameras to take the same pictures I take, and obviously the interest or else they wouldnt invest the money in such an expensive camera! Also, the only lens I brought, the one im borrowing from school, wont work very well as a macro lens-even though its a macro zoom lens AND its definitely my style to take super up close pictures. its quite frusterating! it makes this aweful noise when i try to focus and then i cant take a picture so i have to turn it off and back on!=(

April 3rd, 2009

I have holes in my socks but it doesnt even matter, In fact, I kinda like the holes. You don;t get holes in your socks from just sitting around. Dharma Bums was the perfect book for me to read here. It made everything about this place seem even more peaceful. The Buddhism in it was amazing for me while being in these mountains. My hands and feet are freezing but i dont mind because I love the sunshine and fresh air circulating with all the windows and doors open. We never really do that back home.
The feeling of freedom Ive been experiencing on this trip is like nothing Ive ever felt before., Its mixed with responsibility, which gives me a prud feeling for what I've already accomplished alone on this trip. I feel so light and floaty, genuinely happy.

April 1st

I feel that I’m cradled in these mountains and that nothing could possibly go wrong. I feel so invincible. I’m surrounded by a million moving photographs. I can’t believe I went into this with such an awful mindset that it was going to be grey and cold and windy and I wasn’t going to ever want to go outside. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We arrived here last night around seven thirty. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The view in every direction is stunning. This house is so cozy I could live here forever. Finally I am over the thought that all snowy cold places are awful. Being here is absolutely the inspiration I was looking for. This place is just what I’ve been wanting. I already know I will come back in the future, there’s no way I couldn’t return. I started reading Dharma Bums last night. What perfect timing, it talks about climbing mountains! I couldn’t fall asleep for a while last night because I was just so happy thinking about the future. I’m so excited to see Chelsea in less than a week and go on some amazing adventures. While this place is giving me the push and inspiration I need, I know Chelsea will give me the energy and enthusiasm I need as well. I also cannot wait to go to all the other countries I’m venturing to. Returning to London will be the perfect ending to my trip; I’m excited to end in the same place I started. I can’t wait to come home and share all my crazy stories and give my presentation. While graduation will be sad I know its just the beginning on another stage of my life. I cannot wait for all my summer plans and preparing for college. I’m so excited to be going to Warren Wilson!
Despite all this, I am a bit frustrated with myself. I’m beginning to realize how important it is for me to be alone or with someone I am extremely comfortable with while I’m doing some serious photography. I can’t have any awkwardness, feel any pressure, or feel rushed if I’m to really take some spectacular pictures. My dad made the comment that most of my pictures so far don’t look like I’m really trying. I was really frustrated at the time he said this because I was already losing confidence and that just seemed to be the cherry on top. However it means he knows I have more potential; he’s seen my photography. I was thinking about it and its because most of the time I’ve been with someone else. Chelsea’s about the only one I will be with on this trip that I will feel totally comfortable taking pictures around. When I’m with other people I just feel like I’m being annoying and taking up their time or something along those lines. I can’t really explain it. I just need my mind clear of worrying what other people around me are thinking while I’m taking pictures. Anke showed me old pictures of my parents at this spot today; it really made me smile to see my dad with his camera around his neck in most of them. It’s the same camera that I now use.
Today we went to a palace in the mountains with this man made cave by it that was used for a theatre. I almost started laughing on the English tour because our guide seemed like such an emotionless robot. It was really nice to have a tour in English though! I also got some Pinnochio ice cream that was delicious! I love just driving around out here. My thoughts seem to come so much clearer. Hans decided to go to this little shop to get my mom a gift. ..... The man’s happiness rubbed off on me. I love people that are passionate about their work.
Random thought: It’s so weird to me to see little kids speaking German. In my mind since it is challenging for me to learn and since I can’t speak it and I am 18 in a way I feel that it should be too difficult for them to learn/speak. When I stop and think though, its simple. They have just been raised to speak German, chances are they can’t speak English!